Living with Severe Depression: A Personal Journey and Insights
Depression has often been misunderstood as a temporary emotional slump or a lack of willpower. However, for those who suffer from it, depression is a complex and often debilitating condition that affects both mind and body. This is the story of one individual's long and painful journey through depression, and the lessons learned along the way.My Depression Journey Begins
It started four years ago, with unexplained physical discomfort. I constantly felt as if a heavy stone was pressing down on the back of my head. Fatigue became my constant companion, and I found myself drowsy throughout the day. My cognitive abilities—memory, concentration, and comprehension—began to deteriorate. At the time, I had just started a new job, and this decline made things especially difficult.
One morning, I woke up with a headache so intense that I couldn't bring myself to go to work. That's when I went to the hospital. I was diagnosed with cerebral hypoperfusion—insufficient blood flow to the brain—and prescribed a variety of medications. They helped ease the headaches but didn't lift the invisible weight on my mind. Over the next two years, I experienced similar episodes, and I desperately tried various self-help methods: early bedtime, a diet rich in soy products, three bananas a day, evening runs, weekend swims—you name it. But nothing worked.
Living in a Fog
No matter how many hours I slept, I always felt exhausted. My brain felt foggy, like I had pulled an all-nighter. I yawned constantly and could fall asleep at any moment. Yet, when it was time to sleep, I struggled to fall asleep and stayed in a light, restless state, waking up at the slightest noise. Before this, I could fall asleep within seconds of touching the pillow.
By noon, I needed a nap to function, or else my head would feel like it was going to explode. As a result, I began withdrawing from social interactions. Talking felt exhausting. Being around people felt overwhelming. I spent most of my time lying in bed, even though no amount of sleep ever left me refreshed. I barely remembered what it felt like to have a clear mind.
The Breaking Point
By 2013, my condition worsened. Sleep became more elusive, and physical fatigue intensified. The metaphorical stone in my head seemed to grow heavier by the day.
Each morning, I had to fight against that invisible weight just to get out of bed. Someone who had always been punctual, I now found myself arriving late. I could no longer read on my commute and instead leaned against the window, half-asleep. On the way home, I often had to stop at Shanghai South Station to rest because I started feeling dizzy and nauseous on the subway. My brain felt clogged, and I often had to rest my head on the desk. Once home, I collapsed into bed, completely drained.
I lost the will to talk, to answer calls, to go outside. These once simple tasks became unbearable. I was trapped in a deepening cycle of isolation. My limbs felt tied down, unable to move forward.
Seeking Answers
I felt like my life had no hope. I visited countless doctors, underwent numerous tests—EEGs, CT scans, both Western and traditional Chinese medicine—but no one could explain what was happening. Eventually, I took a month off work and returned to my hometown. I tried sleeping as much as I wanted, ate nourishing food, and even traveled to Xinjiang hoping for a change. Nothing helped.
Then, a trusted doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist. At first, I laughed it off. I considered myself a cheerful person with no obvious emotional trauma. How could I possibly have a mental illness? All my symptoms were physical. But out of desperation, I agreed.
To my surprise, I was diagnosed with depression. All my physical symptoms were manifestations of the condition. The psychiatrist asked detailed questions about my life and work history. He explained that my previous job—three years of high intensity and pressure without proper emotional release—had built up stress that finally erupted after I left the job, triggering a full-blown depressive episode.
Understanding the Science
As the book Emotions and Health explains, depression is essentially a disorder of stress adaptation. When the body experiences stress, the endocrine system releases cortisol—a hormone commonly known as the stress hormone. High levels of cortisol can disrupt the balance of neurotransmitters like serotonin and norepinephrine, which are essential for emotional regulation.
The medication I was prescribed worked quickly. Within two days, my symptoms began to subside. I could once again get up, wash up, talk, work, and sleep normally. My mental numbness started to fade.
But the weight in my head remained. I also became dependent on the medication. When I missed a few doses due to a doctor's absence, I experienced severe withdrawal symptoms: dizziness, vomiting, numbness throughout my body, and an inability to move. There were nights when my head pounded so badly I couldn't fall asleep, staring at the ceiling until dawn. I finally understood how unbearable insomnia could be.
At one point, the medication seemed to lose control. It felt like a hammer was pounding inside my skull, and my chest began to ache. Each strike brought unbearable pain, and my back and neck felt stiff like a metal plate. I could barely move without hearing a cracking sound in my joints. At night, I curled up in bed, trying to find the least uncomfortable position, hoping for a few hours of peace.
One Sunday, I decided not to take painkillers anymore, even if the pain became unbearable. As night fell, the pain returned with a vengeance. I curled up on the couch, helpless and unsure what to do.
In the dimly lit room, old memories began to resurface—pain from family issues, emotional wounds, physical suffering, and career disappointments. I reviewed my life, questioning my worth, facing my present pain, and fearing an uncertain future. Everything seemed dark, as if I was walking step by step into a place with no light.
At that moment, I thought, Maybe it's better to end it all. After all, I'm of no use alive.
Reaching Out for Help
There was a time when I posted updates on my condition in social media. I wasn't someone who often shared personal pain. Once, during a particularly severe episode, a friend blocked me, saying my posts were too negative and that people didn't want to see that when they were already stressed from work.
I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to be a source of negativity. But the disease had drained every ounce of emotional strength I had left. I shared my pain not for pity, but in the hope that someone might reach out, call me, and ask if I was okay. I wanted someone to knock on my door and say, "Hey, I brought you some food." I was screaming for help in the only way I could.
But all I received were generic messages like "Stay strong," "You've got this," or "Hang in there." At the time, they meant nothing to me. Still, I know now that many people truly cared, even if they didn't know how to help. I told myself that I had reasons to live—however small—and I couldn't give up.
Understanding Depression: Key Insights
I share this story to help others understand what it truly means to live with depression. Many people still hold misconceptions about it, which can unintentionally harm those who are suffering. Here are some important facts to keep in mind:
1. Depression Isn't Just About Being Sad
Depression is not simply the opposite of happiness. For me, I didn't feel particularly sad. What I felt was a complete lack of energy and vitality. It was as if my body was trapped, and my life had been drained of all strength. Telling someone to "cheer up" or "think positive" doesn't help. In fact, it can make them feel worse because they're already struggling with a broken emotional system.
2. Depression Can't Be Measured by Smiles
Someone can be outgoing and still suffer from depression. Don't assume that because a person is cheerful or funny, they must be fine. Depression often hides behind a mask of normalcy.
3. Depression Is a Medical Condition
It's not just sadness, laziness, or attention-seeking behavior. It's a real illness involving imbalances in brain chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Comparing it to emotional struggles everyone faces is like comparing a broken leg to sore muscles. It's not the same.
4. Medication Can Be Essential
While some people with mild depression may recover without treatment, most require professional help. Antidepressants work by restoring chemical balance in the brain. Don't be afraid to seek help or take medication. Managing depression with the right tools is a sign of strength, not weakness.
5. Depression Often Presents with Physical Symptoms
Headaches, fatigue, and digestive issues are common signs of depression. Just because someone doesn't seem emotionally distressed doesn't mean they aren't suffering. Physical symptoms are real and should be taken seriously.
6. You Can't Always Identify the Cause
Like many diseases, depression doesn't always have a clear trigger. Just like cancer patients can't always explain why they got sick, depression doesn't need a dramatic reason to take hold.
7. Emotional Instability Is Part of the Disease
People with depression may struggle with anger, irritability, or sudden mood swings. These reactions are not intentional. They're symptoms of the illness, and understanding them can make a big difference.
8. Talking Helps
It's important not to shame people for discussing their struggles. Talking about depression can be therapeutic. Sharing stories helps reduce stigma and encourages others to seek help.
9. Small Pressures Can Be Overwhelming
Even minor stressors—like attending a party, answering personal questions, or adjusting to a new routine—can be overwhelming for someone with depression. A stable, supportive environment is crucial for recovery.
10. Support and Understanding Are Crucial
People with depression don't need lectures or advice—they need empathy. As the book Out of the Blackness wisely states: "Help reduce their isolation. Brew a cup of tea, sit down for a long conversation, or just sit together in silence. Do something, and do it from the heart."
Final Thoughts
Depression is not a personal failing or a lack of strength. It's a real, treatable illness that affects millions of people worldwide. By understanding it better and offering genuine support, we can help those who are suffering feel less alone and more hopeful.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, don't hesitate to seek help. Recovery is possible, and no one has to face it alone.